Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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