I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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