My liver just broke up with me...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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