my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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