You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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