they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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