i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
