I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
