i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
