I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize