Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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