I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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