i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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