hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
