You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I believe in your delicious
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
