Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
