Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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