apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
