Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
