Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize