JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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