i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize