he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
