I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
the liver wants what the liver wants
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
