Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
