I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
