Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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