Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
