fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
His hands were made for my vagina.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
