please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
