They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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