in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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