I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
