hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
