I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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