just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
