We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
