Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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