My hand turned me down
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
