3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
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