I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
