I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
