I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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