i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
