So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
