I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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