I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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