what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
