The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
