Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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