I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
