The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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