the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
