On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
